Archive for the ‘Collaborative Divorce’ Category

Do I need Marriage Closure Therapy?

By Susan Bulfinch J.D.

In the Collaborative Divorce process you have the benefit of a team of knowledgeable professionals who work closely with you and your spouse to negotiate and reach agreement on all issues incident to divorce from the legal, financial and emotional perspective.   

Communication coaches help you respond appropriately to any emotional triggers experienced during the process.  They will help you understand what parenting plan may be best for your children given their ages and the level of conflict between you.  And, your collaborative attorneys will educate you about your legal rights and help you negotiate with your spouse an agreement that addresses division of property and amount and duration of support.  Certified Financial Divorce Specialists help understand and make decisions regarding finances.   And, collaborative mediators may be used to help with your communication and problem solving.

How do you resolve the relationship between you and your spouse?  Or, do you?

It’s important to recognize that both of you are striving for control—control over money, over children, over property, over yourselves.  Divorcing couples, no matter how well intentioned or how cooperative they may appear, must make personal adjustments as they transition from pre to post divorce.  The personal transition piece can be especially difficult where there is lingering resentment, where one of you may not want the divorce, when there is great sadness, or when you are angry and that anger is expressed, or, simply, you are just ambivalent about the whole idea of ending the marriage.  

Marriage Closure Therapy is a type of therapeutic intervention that assists couples in their transition pre and post divorce and may be especially effective for couples who have not make up their minds about their relationship and are not at peace with the decision to stay together or to divorce.  The external goal of this therapy is to bring closure to the relationship through reconciliation or through dissolution.  The internal goals may be co-parenting, facilitating grief, establishing clear boundaries and easing the hurt of the spouse that seems most hurt.   Instead of seeing marriage as a failure, this type of therapy allows each spouse to learn how to take responsibility for the decision to get married, understand each other’s contribution to the dissolution and experience a catharsis of emotions.   Feelings such as sadness about losing the dream of living happily ever after or anger at losing the relationship with extended family members or in-laws or loss of a lifestyle may be expressed.* 

For those who practice mediation or work as collaborative mediators in the Collaborative Divorce process, having an understanding and appreciation of marriage closure therapy is important.  It can be added to the “mediator’s toolbox” when a spouse is withdrawn or unable to focus on the issues at hand.  It is an opportunity to explore the marital relationship or to bring closure to the marriage with understanding and dignity.  Then, the couple may be prepared to engage in productive settlement discussions with their collaborative team of professionals.       

*For more information, go to “Marriage Closure Therapy:  Tips for Family Mediators

What is Collaborative Mediation?

By Pamela Donison, J.D.

Trends come and go, what was hot a week ago is now passé, and things evolve.

More and more, I’m seeing a trend towards Collaborative Mediation and it’s client-driven.  In this post I will define Collaborative Mediation and provide some examples so you can determine if it’s right for you.

The only constant is change, which is why I was not surprised to spot this mediation trend among my collaborative colleagues and clients.  The “law” of collaborative work is that it fundamentally requires two attorneys who agree not to litigate.  While the International Association of Collaborative Professionals has not changed their guideline, it seems to be morphing in real life.

IACP defines Collaborative Mediation as:
Collaborative Mediation – Collaborative mediation is a style of mediation where two or more people are encouraged to work toward resolution in a transparent and peaceful manner. The goal is to support the parties to unfold the issues and create fair agreements that will stand the test of time.

Collaborative Mediation is an offshoot of Collaborative Practice in that it uses the “team” vernacular and litigation is off the table.  Some collaborative practice groups (Arizona Collaborative Colleagues included) began incorporating the role of mediator into their collaborative teams as a way to overcome impasse on distinct issues.  For example, the professionals and clients might be unable to resolve a division of business assets, so they would call in a mediator to help tease out a solution. Generally, the role of the mediator in a classic Collaborative Divorce is finite and limited to problem-solving on specific issues (versus global settlement) and the mediator is not with the team for the duration of the case.


  • Collaborative Mediation requires a collaboratively-trained neutral — the mediator.  The value of collaborative training for this role is that it prepares the mediator to work as part of a team, to understand and communicate with other professionals and the clients in a collaborative “voice”, and to enhance dispute resolution skills.
  • Collaborative Mediation requires two clients who have committed not to litigate their case.  This is a standard requirement in Collaborative Divorce, but is not the norm in mediation.  In fact, one of the safeguards of mediation has been that if it all falls apart, you can always litigate.  Not so in Collaborative Mediation because the primary intent is to avoid litigation.  A Collaborative Mediation Participation Agreement outlines this requirement.
  • Collaborative Mediation allows other collaborative divorce professionals to be on the team.  While some mediators employ the advantage of other professionals, rarely do they do so as a team approach. In Collaborative Mediation, you will have the same transparency and communication between team members as you would in a typical Collaborative Divorce.

This Collaborative Mediation approach still employs respectful, transparent communications and uses the strength of various professionals.  You can think of it as having a Family Practice Doctor (aka the Collaborative Mediator), who refers you to a radiologist, physical therapist, and lab technician as necessary to help you both make good decisions about your healthcare.

Let’s meet Bob and Barb, who want a Collaborative Mediation for their divorce.  They have selected a Collaborative Mediator who is also an attorney.  Bob and Barb do not have minor children and are good communicators, but are baffled by how to divide their assets and debts in the most optimal way.  By using a Financial Specialist, along with their Collaborative Mediator, Bob and Barb get the assistance they need to make smart decisions.  Both the Financial Specialist and their Collaborative Mediator are neutrals, so when Bob and Barb have constructed their agreements, they are encouraged to engage Collaborative Attorneys to review and explain their divorce decree documents.

John and Janet are another couple who want a Collaborative Divorce and have selected a Family Specialist as their Collaborative Mediator.  John and Janet have two children and are having trouble communicating about parenting issues.  They have worked out a financial agreement on their own.  In this case, the Collaborative Mediator can assist in facilitating communication and problem-solving, but John and Janet may also need to engage a Child Specialist to help them construct a sustainable parenting plan.  When they have come up with their agreements, John and Janet will engage Collaborative Attorneys to draft and file their final decree documents.

Carl and Connie have agreed to try Collaborative Mediation, but can’t agree on other professionals to use on their team.  Their Collaborative Mediator is also an attorney, and she suggests that they do some issue-spotting to find out where they need professional assistance.  As it turns out, these savvy clients have done a lot of research and work on their own, and come to the process well-equipped to brainstorm agreements. Since Carl and Connie are good communicators and are financially sound, they agree to engage a realtor as part of their team to sell their business property holdings.

These are just three examples of a myriad of combinations of professionals that can make up a Collaborative Mediation team.  If you think this approach would work for your divorce, give us a call!

Choose Collaboration ~ it’s sustainable!

A Law Student’s Perspective on Collaborative Divorce

By Molly Moffett

As a law student at Sandra Day O’Connor College of Law at Arizona State University I have focused my practical experience in the area of family law. I view representing a client through their divorce as a great opportunity to help someone through a difficult time in their life by finding their new normal in the smoothest way possible. For better or worse, the thing that sets this area of law apart from the others is the emotional piece of every case that comes from each family’s unique dynamics. Some attorneys tend to add fuel to the fire and use these emotions to increase the length and cost of litigation. Others choose to give legal guidance and support while letting the client make an informed decision about what is best for their situation and their family. What is “best” may not look the same for every family.

The aspect of Collaborative Divorce that I find most appealing is that the client and their family are at the forefront of every decision. After attending the IACP’s Basic Training on Collaborative Divorce I found the following benefits of choosing a collaborative process over traditional litigation most compelling:

  1. Time. The collaborative process is not contingent on the Judge’s calendar. You decide how long or short your process will take.
  2. Money. If you commit to the collaborative process it is possible that your family will have more money to divide amongst yourselves and to go towards your children rather than going towards attorney’s fees and litigation expenses.
  3. Control. You decide what result works best for your family.
  4. Reduce Stress and Anger. Having control over the process will reduce the amount of stress and anger you have from your uncertainties with the legal process and how your interests will be met.
  5. Support. Although in traditional litigation your attorney is there to support you, in the collaborative process the whole collaborative team as a whole is there to support your family.
  6. Children. When parents have more time, money, control, and support, and less stress and anger towards each other, it is inevitable that the children will suffer less as well.

If I were going through my own divorce, especially where children were involved, I would certainly consider the collaborative process as an alternative to traditional litigation. I encourage others to do the same.

Collaborative Divorce Plays to Your Strength

By Ruth Lusby, JD

If you and your spouse are contemplating a divorce, you may feel like your lives are in emotional and financial turmoil.  Crucial decisions need to be made that will have long term effects on each of you and your children. Yet, the idea of making legal and financial decisions that affect your future can seem like a daunting task with more questions than answers.

As one client put it, “I don’t know what I don’t know.”  In reality, clients know a lot.  In fact, you know it all… you just may not know it at the outset.   You – the divorcing couple – are the experts about your family, your individual needs, and what you want for your future, apart from each other.  So, who better to answer the myriad of questions that arise?  Who better to decide what your future brings? YOU. That is your strength.

Collaborative Divorce plays to your strength. Collaborative Divorce offers an out-of-court approach to divorce that provides both you and your spouse emotional support, communication tools, and financial and legal information to help you ask the right questions and answer those questions so you can make informed decisions. Collaborative Divorce brings you the added value of having experts in communication, finance and the law work with you as you negotiate what is important to you.

  • Each of you will have your own Collaborative Attorney, who works with you and with your spouse’s attorney and other collaborative professionals, to provide information to you and your spouse about the law and the legal process.
  • Communication Coaches help you and your spouse normalize the emotions that arise during a divorce and provide tools to help each of you express what is important to you so each feels heard, but also hears the other person — in short, to communicate more effectively.
  • A Financial Neutral gathers financial information from both of you, helps you create budgets, provides education where needed, and provides you with a “picture” of your financial circumstances as you work with the Financial Neutral and your Collaborative Attorneys to negotiate your financial agreements.
  • If there are children, a Child Specialist may meet with the children to give them a voice in the divorce process, and provide you with information to assist you and your Coach(es) develop a parenting plan that meets the needs of the children.

Throughout the Collaborative Divorce process, the team of collaborative professionals works closely with you and your spouse in joint meetings. You and your spouse are active participants in the Collaborative Divorce process, every step along the way, from the decision to divorce collaboratively to the signing of the final documents. You attend every meeting and, as your questions are answered and choices are made, with the help of your Collaborative Divorce team YOU negotiate the terms of your divorce agreement. Your attorneys will prepare all of the documents needed to initiate your divorce, memorialize your agreements and finalize your divorce – all without going to court.

By playing to your strength – your unique knowledge about what is important to you – the Collaborative Divorce process helps allay fears, reduces stress and uncertainty and empowers you and your spouse to find solutions to come out of the divorce as financially secure as possible; and when there are children, for them to know that they are loved and that it is okay for them to love both parents.

Ruth Lusby is a collaborative divorce attorney and a member of Arizona Collaborative Colleagues.

Collaborative Law Comes of Age

By Pamela Donison, J.D.

Pamela Donison has a simple mission:  to change the world one divorce at a time.  And she is proposing to do so by inspiring other attorneys to consider “alternative” dispute resolution as “primary” dispute resolution, particularly in family law.  The most recent entry into the Alternative Dispute Resolution (ADR) field of study is Collaborative Law.  Donison answers the basic questions about Collaborative Law, along with a few queries you may not have considered.

Who is Stu Webb?
Stu Webb is the “Godfather” of Collaborative Law.  He is the person credited with creating this model of practice, which eschews litigation in favor of settlement.  His vision now spans the globe with more than 8,000 practitioners in 24 countries.

Why Collaborative Law?
Stu, like so many of us, attended law school with a head full of lofty ideals but, upon entering practice as a litigator, quickly became disenchanted.  Stu found the constant barrage of adversarial actions by opposing counsel — and the system in general — to be soul-numbing work and he was particularly dismayed at the effect on divorcing families.  People were routinely spending a life’s savings on legal fees as they fought (through their willing attorneys) to the (extremely) bitter end.

Stu was so fed up that he began to research other careers but then he had a thought: since he was ready to jump ship anyway, and had nothing to lose, perhaps he could rethink the process and create something that worked.  Stu called a colleague with whom he had a case and asked, “Will you agree to work with me on this case and, no matter what, not take it to trial?”  She agreed and an international movement was born.  That was 25 years ago.

What is the one unshakable premise of Collaborative Law?
Very simply, the attorneys will not litigate the case.  If the parties decide that they want to litigate, then the attorneys (and any other collaborative team members) will withdraw.  It is intended as a disincentive to litigation, but also to protect the open communications that have been shared as part of a collaborative team.

How has the movement evolved in the past 20 years?
When Stu Webb dreamt all this up, he was focused on the Lawyer To Lawyer model, meaning that the lawyers are the “team” and they jointly agree that they will withdraw in the event of litigation.

When that model took off, many attorneys found that they wanted the expertise and participation of other experts, which brought about the Referral Model.  In that model, the collaborative team is made up of the attorneys and any agreed upon outside experts that might be needed, such as a child specialist, divorce financial planner, etc.

As time went by, some practice groups found that they were using the referral model in almost every case and so developed the Interdisciplinary Team Model.  In the common iteration of this model, the collaborative team consists of two attorneys, one or two coaches (mental health professionals), a financial specialist (neutral) and a child specialist (neutral).

Since the model was created, it has sprouted numerous permutations beyond what Stu had envisioned, including the “one coach” model and others.  The one thing to always remember is that this is a client-directed dispute resolution process, so it is up to them to determine what suits them best.

In 25 years, collaborative law has evolved from a concept to creation of the Uniform Collaborative Law Act, which is remarkable when you think about what a short period of time that is in the scheme of the profession.

What is the basic premise?
According to the International Academy of Collaborative Professionals (, collaborative practice has three key elements.  First, parties engage in a voluntary and free exchange of information.  There are no motions to compel or interrogatories, but rather a transparent and open sharing of all material information, usually through a financial neutral.  Second, parties pledge not to litigate and, if that pledge is broken, it results in withdrawal of the collaborative team.  Finally, the parties and the team members make a commitment to respect both parties’ shared goals.  No matter how outlandish a solution may seem to the professionals, if it works for the participants, then it is acceptable!

Are all cases suited for collaborative law?
No, there are bad cases for Collaborative law because, let’s face it, there are always going to be bad cases!   Cases that may not be suitable for collaboration have some of these characteristics:  lack of trust and cooperation between parties and/or the team; lack of empathy for the other’s feelings; unrealistic expectations; mental health issues; lack of disclosure or concealing information; verbal abuse; or a lack of respect for privacy.  That is not to say that these cases will not succeed in a collaborative model, but the professionals will have greater challenges and the parties will likely have to avail themselves of the full spectrum of services.

What are some good cases for collaborative law?
There are many disputes that are perfect for collaborative law and, generally, the parties will have some of these characteristics:  early intervention, meaning the parties sought out a collaborative model early in the dispute process; previous experience with therapy or counseling will make the parties more comfortable with the mental health professionals’ roles; basic trust and respect for one another; common goals (children, privacy, peaceful outcome); mentally healthy and focused with the ability to communicate needs and wants.  Obviously, there is no one “perfect” case or client for collaborative law.

Isn’t Collaborative Law just for divorces?
No!  On the contrary, civil collaborative practice is growing and there are several practice areas (in addition to Family Law), that are well-suited to a collaborative approach, including: Probate, Estates & Trusts; Juvenile; Drug Court; Civil Disputes; Bankruptcy; Real Estate; Employment Law; Education Law; HOA and Neighborhood Disputes; Commercial & Business Disputes.

Practices suitable for collaboration are those serving parties who want or need to have an ongoing relationship, third parties will be affected by the outcome (children, employees, family members, contractors, vendors), a team approach would benefit the outcome, and emotional and financial factors are affecting the dispute.

Who are the team members?
In the family law context, collaborative team members will include two collaborative attorneys and may include communication coaches, a financial neutral, and a child specialist. Most practice groups require that the attorney members be admitted to the bar with no record of discipline, have specialized training in collaborative law and mediation, and participate in an advisory rather than advocacy capacity.

The communication coaches must be licensed mental health professionals (psychologists, social workers, marriage counselors), with training in collaborative divorce and mediation, and they help the parties communicate more effectively.  They do not provide therapy.

The financial neutral will be a licensed professional (Certified Financial Planner, Certified Public Accountant, Certified Divorce Financial Analyst) with training in collaborative divorce and mediation, and they participate (in most cases) as a neutral advisor to assist in gathering, analyzing, and evaluating data, and educating the parties about their financial situation.   They do not provide financial or investment advice.

The child specialist is also a licensed mental health professional with specific education in child development, as well as training in collaborative divorce and mediation.  They participate as an advocate for the child but do not act as the child’s therapist.  They provide the child with an outlet and voice, while acting as a neutral advisor to the parents.

What’s next?
The collaborative movement is growing and if you are interested, you should check it out!  First, go to the IACP website at

For those anywhere in Arizona (including students), you can get more information, training, and participate in study groups about collaborative law through Arizona Collaborative Colleagues (this website), a new practice group open to professionals state-wide with an open model philosophy.

Divorce During Valentine’s Day

By Mara Linder, J.D.

Valentine’s Day typically is about focusing on the love in your life.  However, this does not have to be limited to just the love of a spouse or romantic partner.  What about the love that surrounds you from your family, friends, children, pets and from yourself?  Celebrating these loving relationships can be especially important and helpful if you and your spouse are in the process of separating or divorcing.

If you are in the middle of a divorce or separation during Valentine’s Day, there are many things you can do to still celebrate the love in your life.  Here are just a few thoughts:

  • Treat yourself – Remember to show yourself a little love by doing something nice for yourself whether it’s buying your own chocolate heart, going to that movie you’ve been wanting to see or just hanging out with people who make you feel good and live in the moment
  • Give to others – Often one of the best ways to feel loved is to give love yourself.  This can involve doing some volunteer work.  Many charities are inundated with volunteers during Thanksgiving and Christmas, but not during the rest of the year.  Maybe help make Valentine’s hearts at a children’s hospital or bring red and pink balloons to a senior center.
  • Celebrate with your kids – If you have kids, share the holiday doing fun love-themed crafts or cooking.  Focus on showing them that they will always be your special valentines.
  • Throw a party-There are probably others who would really appreciate having somewhere to spend Valentine’s Day without being surrounded by smooching couples.
  • Honor the significance (and love) of your relationship with your ex by embracing a healthy divorce.  There are ways to approach the divorce process in a cooperative, more positive manner.  Consider using Collaborative Divorce instead of litigation.

Having a positive approach to Valentine’s Day as well as the many other holidays and milestones you will experience, can really help with managing how you feel while experiencing a divorce.  Similarly, utilizing a more positive divorce process, such as Collaborative Divorce, can really help to minimize the stress, anxiety, and uncertainty divorce often brings.  Collaborative Divorce focuses on you and your family and   can assist you in staying focused on surrounding yourself with the love that is still in your life and the love that the future may bring.  Happy Valentine’s Day!